The Soulmate Myth: A Dream Come True or Your Worst Nightmare?
by Judy Hall
This article first appeared in Watkins Mind Body Spirit, issue 24.
Soulmate or twinflame?
Are you one of those people who yearns to find a soulmate? Someone to make you feel complete? Many people are seeking their soulmate and expect to be blissfully happy when they find one. But, as others have found, most are doomed to disappointment. The ‘soulmate’ turns out to be human, and fallible, and the dream sours. Soulmates are both a powerful fact and one of the biggest illusions. The thousands of people who’ve consulted me for a karmic relationship reading saying: ‘I’ve found my soulmate, why has it all gone wrong?’ or ‘Why doesn’t he/she want me?’ far outnumber the few who find a relationship is all they wished for. I’ve devoted much of the last thirty five years to looking for answers to these, and similar, questions.
So why are some soulmate relationships such a trial? Well, your soulmate is rarely someone new to you. Past life relationships carry over into the present life and give rise to an experience that scours, or evolves, the soul. Soul contracts, karmic conundrums and unfinished business lie behind apparent soulmates. But your soulmate is an invaluable tool in your karmic and soul learning and there is no such thing as a wrong relationship because there is always a gift in the experience. Our soul attracts situations that mirror our expectations around love that are carried from life to life. We create what is familiar and may attract pain in an effort to exorcise it and move on. Soulmate connections also occur between parents and children, friends and mentors.
But there is another option, a soulmate without the karma, someone I have dubbed a twinflame: a true companion of the heart. The trick is to distinguish between these two very different relationships.
Let’s look at soulmates first. Soulmates feel as though they are made for each other, to the extent of being ‘two halves making a whole.’ Two people may well be soulmates, although this does not necessarily mean they are destined for a sexual relationship. The scenario usually goes something like this: your eyes meet across a crowded room, your heart pounds with instant recognition and a giant magnet pulls you together as a wave of lust rolls over you. You either succumb instantly – or want to run. It’s electric, exciting and oh so right. Then, after you’ve been together awhile, the cracks start to show, the arguments start or the relationship ends abruptly but you can’t stop thinking about this person, you feel you might die from lack of this beloved soul.
That’s usually when a karmic counsellor like me gets consulted. Using the birthcharts, I explore the past lives, the lessons, unfinished business and soul contracts and help to cut the karmic cords that bind opening the way for a different kind of relationship.
Twinflames have all the joys of soulmates but not the pain – although they are not without occasional blips. The couple come together for mutually supportive reasons with deep soul love but no dependence and no unfinished business or karma. Twinflame meetings might well start with eyes meeting across a crowded room. But it’s not always so. These relationships creep up on you and flower when the time is right. You may meet a few times but not really notice. Then, suddenly the relationship bursts into life and grows steadily.
Having interviewed many soulmates and several twinflames (they are more difficult to find) for a new book, and incorporated over thirty five years experience in this field, I have identified some of the points that differentiate the two.
In non-twinflame relationships there is what one soulmate described as ‘ephemeral and irrational passion’. One partner may be reluctant to fully commit to the relationship, which starts on a high but inexorably deteriorates or needs constant work. One or both people may be so absorbed in the relationship that they cannot function in the world. There can be uncomfortable or disharmonious ‘edges’ between the couple or one partner tries to force change, bullies the other or attempts to retain control. There can be a sense of unfinished business, karma, duty, debt, something owed; a need for retribution or reparation, or ‘having to do’. One partner may feel vastly superior or inferior. One partner can be deeply dependent and the relationship parasitic and symbiotic – one person feeds off the other. There can be competition or resentment of the others successes. One partner often feels jealous, insecure or abandoned when the other is perusing his or her own interests.
By contrast, in a twinflame relationship there is unconditional love, deep soul and heart connection; mutual support, respect and recognition, interdependence and independence; acceptance of the other that allows each other to be who they are and evolve at their own pace. The relationship is complementary and non-competitive with total honesty, intimacy and trust, reciprocal feelings and behaviours. Each is exalted and energized by the sense of loving and being loved. As one long term twinflame couple explained: ‘the magic and wonder never fades, it is renewed each moment’.
Twinflame couples I interviewed were at pains to point out that adjustments may be needed but this is done willingly as a couple, each lovingly supporting the other through the process. Intimacy and trust are there from the beginning. In those that achieve this truly bliss-ful state, the joy shines out of them at each and every moment. They are deeply happy and powerfully connected, as we all have the potential to be.
The Soulmate Myth: A Dream Come True or Your Worst Nightmare
£16.95, Available from Watkins Books
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